Go away you irritating thing... Stop pestering me... You been with me for so long liao... Its time for you to venture out liao... Stop coming back to me... Arrrgghhh....

Stupid... My gastric back again... Sickening... And this time round more jialat le... Why choose this time to come back sia? Already so frustrated liao... Still have to handle this old problem... Arrggh... Guess have to ask for gastric medicine from the doctor liao...

Been in a very confused state recently... So confused that I cant concentrate at work... So confused that I am restless almost everyday... Haiz... So tired that I told zh that I dun even feel like waking up everyday... How I wish I can sleep thru like that... So confused that even though I say I dun wan to meet/talk to him... And even suspect that my feelings for him is gone... But I dreamt of him last night... In the dream, we are very happy... Seems like we are in a wonderland... With clouds and birds... Its too good to be true... Maybe like what voy says... I am missing the good times... And probably, I still have some feelings ba... Haiz... still... I am confused... I guess I still need a little more time to think...

I wanna say thank you to zh, kor, xdd and voy... Thanks for giving me some advices... Though I still cannot get a definite ans for the qn I asked.... Still... Thank you for being there to "listen" to me... I will try to sort out my thoughts asap de... So that there will be less hurt... Really thank you... *big hugz to zh, kor,xdd and voy*

Till now... I realize there are alot of regrets in my life... *edited* ... Regret staying in this idiotic family where there is no warmth, no love... Regret not moving out to stay on my own... Regret trying to accomodate my family... And I am so stupid, thinking there is there a chance for us to reunite... Regret not ending my life and leave this stupid world... Regret agreeing to decision so hastely... I should have consider and reconsider it again and again... Afterall, it was such an impt decision... Now can I still reject? I doubt so... Too many regrets to count... I know I should just move on and get a life... I should get over those regrets... But sometimes said is easier than done... Certain things, when you have made a decision, its hard to turn back... If you did not think carefully, the regret will always be in your heart....

29 March, 2006:*edited*»»»I decided to masked away what I have blog yesterday... Sorry if I have hurt you in my words...

After 2 years, me and my dear went to pasir ris beach see sunrise again... This is the 2nd time we see sunrise together... The 1st time was on our 1st V-day in 2004... Before that, my dear accompany me back to TP to meet mathew to take office xp from him... Wanted to eat at the canteen de... But all are not opened on weekends... So went to TM and eat pasta mania... We tried the 2 new dishes... I tried the "Prawn & Fish Roe Pasta" and my dear ordered the "Prawn Riso"... I find the pasta not bad la... Just that you will get sick of eating it after sometime... I feel that the fried rice my dear ordered is better than the pasta...

After our meal, we walk around TM and CS...And finally decided to watch a movie before proceed to Pasir Ris Beach... Watched 2 Become 1, a mandarin movie starred by Richie Ren and Yang Qian Hua.... Tot will be a nice and touching show... Abit disappointed in the ending... too vague le... But the show quite worth it... Cos 2hrs... Lol... Then, we went to Pasir Ris beach... Its been long long time since we last went to beach or park le... Quite windy there though... Found a nice spot and rest there... Somehow, I sensed that my dear has something to ask me... Well, I am right... Talked a little and I took a short rest on the bench...

Poor me... got abt 20 lovebites from a mosquito (or maybe more than 1 ba).... Both my legs are covered with the lovebites... All red and swollen and super itchy somehow... Washed with water also itch... Then my dear suggest using hot water... Tried it... Feel a little better but still itch... Dont dare to scratch them with my hands, scared of the gems... It was a terrible feeling... Silly us, dunno wat is the time for sunrise... Waited for 2 hrs... from 5am to 7am.. Gosh... I was already super duper tired le... Keep dozing off... And the stupid crows keep crowing... So irritating... Dunno why my dear not tired at all... 7.15am... Finally, we saw a ray of sunlight... 7.30am... We can see almost the full sun... It was beautiful... 1st time in our life, we saw such a beautiful scene...

Happy 22nd Birthday xinyi!!! Whether you got come in here or not still must wish you happy birthday... Guess you must have enjoyed yourself with mel ba... Hehe... One year older liao... Hope your dreams can all come true... Long time no meet you le... When you free call us la... But please dun meet at tampines again hor... Hehe... Take great care gal... Hope to see you soon...

Maybe I am not suitable to be in a r/s afterall... What is love? What is feelings? Seriously, I dunno... Why am I in a r/s? I also dunno... Yes, you are right... I dont care abt your feelings... I only care about myself... Maybe we shouldnt be together in the 1st place... Maybe I am not suitable for you... Maybe you will find someone better than me... someone whom can understand and take your feelings into consideration... Maybe I dun deserve a good guy like you... I dunno who changed... Maybe is me.... Maybe I am sick of being in a r/s... Maybe I yearned for my freedom... Maybe this is my real self... To give up or not... I dunno... Do I stay on bcos the feelings is still there or bcos I am so used to the attached life? I really dunno...

I am still recovering from it... I tried to stay happy... I tried not to think about the sad things... But think I failed... I just failed... Suddenly i thought of my 21st bday celebration 3mths back... When I recalled back... It was so pathetic... Friends who attended my party... I can count them with my 10 fingers and there are still remaining... Always wanted to have a memorable birthday... Yes it is memorable... But a sad one... It really makes me ponder... Am I really such a lousy fren? So lousy that no one wants to attend my birthday party... I know its already over... But it is still a thorn in my heart... A forever thorn that will make my tears flow naturally... And yes I enjoyed myself at Taiwan with my dear... And my pri sch frens did give me a make up celebration... So what... I din get to enjoy with my frens on that day at all... Still can remember, the only ones that are enthusiatic are the uninvited relatives... If not for them, I think my party will be a total flop... Shit... why do i keep thinking abt it... Hate the feeling... How I wish I can forget everything... Really very upset...

Sorry folks... din mean to be so depressing everytime i blog... U know... I just cant help it... Maybe Voy (a net friend) was right... Its because of the environment I grew up and its because of the things that I have experienced that makes me like that... If not, I think I will be an optimistic and happy person... So at the end whose fault? And who should I blame? I dunno... All I know is that I am not happy living at all...

Falling into another depression again.. Its been sometime since I last fall into depression... I knew it was depression... Cos I cried... And I cried for no reasons at all.... My tear just flow out so naturally... And my heart hurt so naturally... Sometimes I really hate myself for sufferring from depression... I really hate it... Why me? I hate this feeling... Everything just dun seems right to me... I am so frustrated with everything... I hate it when I am being ignored by people... I hate it when I stay at home or my dear's home all day without doing anything... All I can do is play his mini, watch tv or slp... If ask me to lead this kind of life... I rather die... Probably I am a saggi... That's why I dun like to stay home... And becos I am a saggi... Nth seems to interest me for long... Kinda sick of myself... I really dunno how long I can still tahan myself... Nobody's at fault... Its just me...

Hehe... Took mc today and went shopping... Me so bad hor... Lol.. No choice... Cos too sick of work le... So wanna give myself one day off to rest... But hor, I not totally keng leh... Got diarreah a few days ago... So went to see doctor again... Who knows the doctor say maybe i suffer from food poisoning... Lol... Give me quite a few medicine that stops the pain and I requested for a cold medicine also... Just in case I need it in the future... *grinz*

After seeing the doctor, surf my KT awhile and listen to songs... Lol... Dunno why today quite happy... Even my dear also ask me why I so happy that I keep singing songs... Maybe its becos I no need to work today ba... Lol... Met dear and ah le in the afternoon... Went to bugis again.. Cos ah le wanna buy silicon case for his O2 mini... Seems like we everytime go out... Is either orchard or bugis nia... Hmm... think next time have to bring him to some other place liao...

Today among the 3 of us, I am the most energetic... I dun feel any tiredness at all... Probably I have slept enough ba... Dear not feeling well... Feeling a bit feverish... And ah le only slept for 3 hrs... Becos of his work... As usual, three of us walk around bugis aimlessly... Then, my dear and ah le went to arcade and play... Haha... Both of them... like small kids sia... Once reach the arcade and start playing the game... Both become energetic liao... Lol... These two guys whenever together, give pple a feeling that they still have a child in them... Haha... Then, went to watsons and see see... Dunno why... Everytime I pass by watsons... I have an urge to go in walk one round... Even din buy anything, I also happy... Hehe... Today we head for home quite early... Cos both of them quite tired... At 1st, I tot of going home de... But still end up going to my dear hse.... Cos I just dun like to at home...

Stayed at my dear's hse and let him rest... My dear really got fever le... And the funny thing is, no one seems to believe that my dear really sick... haha... everyone tot he is kenging... Lol.. poor dear... Lucky this time is minor case... he felt better after swallowing 2 panadols and 1 cold tablet... Untill about 11pm, then i go meet my sis after her work and went home together... Lol... Actually meet my sis also got motive de... So that I can share cab fee with her... Haha... When she knows, she so regret meeting me... Haha... Well... Too late le... Wahaha...

Dear this song is for you...

王力宏 - 第一个清晨

光透进来 把梦刷白 舍不得你会醒过来
不要现在 走也走太快
说不上来 隐隐藏在胸口一块
吻你脸颊 成名字刻成的存在
是你让我相信爱 对我慷慨
是爱 我们是注定 不是意外
这是爱 我们的爱 还不确定却好实在
把你贴在胸怀 静静的代替表白
再不愿放开 这是爱 给你的爱
没名字却停不下来 在忐忑里期待
却越总想到未来是你我才明白 这就是爱
但梦还在 伤心不让你醒不来
也许现在 就是永恒的未来
是你让我相信爱 对我慷慨
是爱 我们是注定不是意外
这是爱 我们的爱 还不确定却好实在
把你贴在胸怀 静静的代替表白 再不愿放开
这是爱 给你的爱 没名字却停不下来
在忐忑里期待 却越总想到未来是你 我才明白
这就是爱 第一个我们的清晨~比任何默契都是你的无限可能
言语都显得太浮浅
这是爱 我们的爱 还不确定却好实在
把你贴在胸怀 静静的代替表白 再不愿放开
这是爱 给你的爱 没名字却停不下来
在忐忑里期待 却越总想到未来是你我才明白这就是爱

Really sick of it leh... Its all about money again... As the chinese proverbs goes, 上梁不正下梁歪... No wonder I love money as well... Its becos of her that I am so particular abt money... If she can take things easy and be financially independent... The whole household won't be like that le... Arrggh... Wanted to say so much things... But I cant... Cos I know there are many people reading my blog... Its really a big shame le... Dont wanna wash more dirty linen in public anymore... Haiz... How I wish I am rich... How I wish I earn big bucks every month... How I wish I can afford to give myself a better life... Really sick of being poor le... Yes, I may seems money-minded... I may seems materialistic... But that's life... No money no talk... People will treat you like shit especially when you in big debts... People wont bother to respect you when you are poor... Only rich people are being respected, only rich people can do whateva they want to make poor people suffer... Sounds sadist I know... That's how rich people around me behave.... Sickening...

Went to IT Show 2006 today, with my gf (zh), ah le and my dear.. 1st time 4 of us... though ah le and zh dun really know each other... and maybe this is the 2nd time that they met (1st is at my dear's 21st bday...)... but nvm la... thats not impt... What impt is that both zh and ah le wont get bored... (hope wont la huh cos me and my dear din neglect them ma... =x)

I DIY my own hair with the styling kit that my dear gave me on v-day this yr... and yes... this time round is so successful and nice (compared to the previous times)... hehe... so happy... put on a little make up and voda i'm done.. lol... meet them 2.30pm at city hall.. but everyone but me was late.... and i waited for 15 min.. haha... actually this is quite rare when i reach earlier than my dear... hehe...

On the way to the convention centre... oh my god.. people jam at the bridge to cross to suntec... and worse... the escalator din work and everyone has to climb the escalator... by the time we(ah le, my dear and me) reach suntec.. we are already sweating... We went for our late lunch at the food court and meanwhile wait for zh to come... Anyway... as expected, when we reach the convention centre... mountain pple mountain see... from afar... everyone looks like ants... sooooooooooooo crowded... gosh... We managed to get in... We saw a great deal... 1GB SD card only $57... and 1GB mini-SD only $66... Cool.... Haha... Of cos I am tempted... Lol... And ah le so "dui"... cos he bought a 512mb rs-mmc in m'sia at the price of abt sgd60 and yet at IT Show.. 512mb rs-mmc only abt $40... After considering... Yes you guess it.. I cant resist the temptation... and i bought the 1gb mini-sd card... Haha... Super worth it sia.. Lol.. Those who dun wanna miss any offers... Go to the IT show!!!... Tml last day le... Maybe last day got more cheap bargains... Lol...

After that we walk to bugis... and only reach there a while, zh went off and meet her mum... shortly after that, ah le went off also... cos he need to start work le... then i accompany my dear to take his o2 mini for service... Oh man... the customer service really sucks... So slow... Now my dear's mini hospitalised le... Hopefully after 3-4days can discharge... We then walk walk and see see... I found one very special blusher at watsons... it is blusher in gel form... cool... i tried on it.. and wow... it is so natural sia.. its like i am really blushing... dun feel any thing powdery also... haha... and yes.. i bought it... Lol... only $7.20... Wahaha... Then, we went V8 cafe to have our dinner... My dear dun feel quite well and we leave for home early... Today i really got cheap bargains... Haha... Opps... Abit auntie sia... Haha.. But who cares... I save money can liao... Hehe....

Reach the restuarant at abt 6.15pm... we are the 1st to reach.. haha... everything in a rush... so rush that i forget to bring my shawl and lipstick... Haiz... this morning purposely buy shawl so that i can wear it at the dinner.. But who knows... I missed it out...Maybe if i didnt DIY my hair (to make it curl at the ends), i will remember to bring... but suan le la... its over anyway.. lucky not really very cold when almost everyone arrive...

1st time being a dinner receptionist.. so confusing... cos most of the guest we dunno.. have to ask the name and direct them to the right table... and everyone jus come at the same time... but the thing i hate abt wedding dinner is that people wont arrive on time... invitation indicate 7pm or 7.30pm... but most guests come at 8pm, 8.30pm... gosh... why cant pple come on time? anyway this is a gd experience for me... haha... nevertheless.. the dinner is a nice one... almost every dish are of gd quality... so not so bad... and my dear and me drank quite alot of wine... haha.. until my eyes and face so red that i have to put more pressed powder to reduce the redness.... but i dun feel any feeling of being drunk leh... lol

my dear dun seems to be happy sia... he like so angry... maybe i neglected him... sorry dear.. know i neglect you today... hope you enjoy the dinner... haiz... my mum like still dun really accept my dear... dunno why why most relatives would want their child's gf or bf to join in for the family photo... only my mum... Seems like everytime i ask my dear to join in... she and my bro (and maybe my sis) will turn black face... What has my dear done wrong? the previous one i can understand why they dun like him... but this current one.. why do they treat him abt the same also? haiz... dunno wat i can do to make them accept my dear... is it wrong that my dear is still ns? or is it wrong that my dear is poor with no money, no car, no everything... haiz... seeing everyone's bf has some qualities.. either with looks or with money... sometimes make me quite envious... but what can i do... who ask me to fall in love with a poor chap???

Today is my 6th uncle's wedding... Finally after waiting for so many years... At the age of 40... Finally.. He got married...

5.30am: alarm ring (but me and my sis too tired... we stay in bed till abt 5.45am)
5.45am-6.30am: prepare ourselves (think i drag too much le...)
6.45am: leave the hse and hail for cab but sad to say.. we waited for 10min.. still no cab.. so bo bian on-call...
7.15am: reach cousin hse
8.00am: my 6th uncle arrive... the 7 of us (aka the jie meis or ah yis which include qi,lin,shan,zhen,wei's gf, my sis and me) of cos wont let him him so easy ma... Lol... We asked him to guess the correct lip shape of his bride... total 3 tries... And we made him eat cake(think this is too easy for him liao.. Haha... ) Then, we made him shout to the bride that he love her... Next, we asked him to sing... Lol... Lastly and ask for angbao... But then we let him off too easy le... End up only get $15.10 each nia... So little...
8.15am: He finally got in and proceed to "fetch" the bride... Haha... And we made him wait outside the room again... Lol... Can see him quite nervous sia... Lol...
9.00am-12.00pm: almost everything was done... and we went to granny hse... My granny kept smiling... everyone is happy for the couple... and granny finally has waited for this day to come... More photo takings and more chit-chatting... Some too tired le... and slp on the sofa... Me also super tired...
12.00pm-3.00pm: after eating, i went out with my cousins... this is the 1st time that 5 of us (qi,lin,shan,zhen and me) went orchard to shop... actually it was me who want to buy a shawl... so paiseh... 4 of them join in also... who knows.. when we step into FEP, me and shan straight went to a bag's shop... with large banners "BUY 1 GET 1 FREE"... Wow... This was of cos tempting ma... Haha... And I fall in love with a black hangbag... Oh... So simple yet elegant... Boy... It was $38.. a bit expensive.. but its buy 1 get 1 free... so... its still worth it... End up lin found one bag she like and we share the cost... Haha... so my bag only $19... Lol... Cheap sia... Then we sort of walk aimlessly in FEP... level by level... Went into one shop... saw the shawl... $12.90.. the material really gd and comfortable sia... But i still hesitate... Then, we came across a shop that sells alot of shawls.. Guess what... only 4 for $10... Wahaha... This is really a gd catch... Lol... and i manage to get my shawl with qi, lin, and zhen... Hahaha...

5 of us together machiam like secondary sch gals... Lol... So bitchy... Hahaha... Eating ice-cream and drinking bubble tea while shopping... After resting a while... I suggest we go take neo print.. No objectives so there we went... We were so crazy taking the neo-cards... Keep laughing and complaining.. Cos some of our face was cut off or being blocked by the wordings... I laugh till I gastric sia... Lol... after taking 3 rounds of neo-cards.. most of us not really happy with it and we went to take neoprints.. This time everyone was quite happy... Haha..
These are the pictures that I choose...


It was so fun... And home sweet home after that... To prepare ourselves for the dinner tonight... Hehe... Think time for me to go prepare also... Catcha...

Happy 25mths anniversary dear... hehe.. so fast.. we over the 2 years liao... haha... really appreciate for all the things you did for me... i know i am not a good gf... me really lucky to have you... thank you for always enduring my sudden volcano eruptions... haha... well.. i know i am repeating almost the same things for every anniversaries... but nvm la hor... hehe... really contented with the neo print we took on sat... both of us so cute... wahaha... nxt mth we go take again.. with different post... lol...

sian leh..office today so quiet.. no calls and not much pple in the office also.... erm... maybe for my dept only ba... 2 colleagues not here today... and now my cluster only left me alone... cos one manager go for meeting le... super tiring sia.... these few days got insomnia again... keep tossing in the bed... cant slp at all... dunno y... i dun have 心事 leh... at my dear's bed cant slp... in my own bed also cannot slp... and worst is keep hearing hemming sound in my ears... hmmm.. sth wrong with me? or this is the after effects of taking the TB jab? so frustrated... my throat super dry and down with running nose again... think i going to fall sick soon... good leh.. can take mc... wahaha.. =x

tml on leave.. but think will be a busy day for me liao... cos my uncle getting married tml... and i am going to be one of the jie meis for the bride side... have to wake up super early liao... looks like tml i have to apply alot of concealer to cover up my dark rings liao... dunno y they wan to choose this day... why cant choose a gd date that falls on a fri or weekends? at least we can rest ma... just hope i can wake up on time for my work on wed lorz...